Here I am again, 10 days before Tough Mudder. I’ve been counting down the days since last month’s fiasco, training hard and keeping up with my workouts, until getting sick this weekend. I’m having serious fears of failure, this time around. My body feels so weak from being ill, my lungs and chest hurt every time I breathe, every muscle is sore from coughing constantly, and the idea of moving at anything faster than a crawl is sickening. I’m sure the fears of failure all come from these feelings; fighting illness has a heavy mental component for me. I have to not let it consume me, while at the same time taking it easy enough to not over-do it. I’m scared of so many things about TM, currently. Will I freak out while crawling through the tunnels and not be able to finish? Will I lose a shoe halfway through? Will I not be able to get up Everest? But most importantly, what if I’m not even well enough to run it? What if my bronchitis cough is still lingering? What if my lungs can’t handle the stress I put them under and I end up really injuring myself?
I’m going to do everything within my power to get better before then. But it’s so hard with the demands of college and midterms, and also battling severe sleep problems, concurrently. I am strong. I am a fighter. But there is only so much I can do with the timeframe of a week and a half, and this brokenass body. Aaaand I’m crying. It’s ridiculous how much running this means to me, and the thought that I might not get to yet again is absolutely heartbreaking. I must stay positive and not stress myself out any more than I already am. This has to be okay. This has to work out in my favor in the end. It just has to.